Notre Dame linebacker girlfriend 'hoax' brings virtual vs. human relationships to forefront Dr. Henry Cloud

January 18, 2013

I wanted to post this article featured on Fox News written by Dr. Henry Cloud regarding the Manti T'eo 'hoax' because it explains how powerful a virtual relationship can be!  Scary!

"The shocking revelation over Notre Dame linebacker Manti T’eo’s virtual relationship with a girlfriend he believed to be dead, and later realized never existed, led many to label him as “gullible.”  In hindsight, considering just the facts, it’s easy to come to that conclusion.  But when the psychological principles that led to T’eo’s betrayal are better understood, there are many lessons in this example that apply to the rest of us. I'd be remiss to not add that details are still emerging as to whether T'eo had any involvement in the "hoax" but it's worth diving into the fact that in our mobile world, for many folks, virtual relationships have replaced real, human relationships.

The fact is that in some ways, virtual relationships can be more powerful, in the short term,  than real relationships, because of the mind’s ability to use fantasy.  Fantasizing can create psychological, physical and chemical realities that are extremely powerful.  

For example, relationships built on fantasy often seem, at first, to be more gratifying than real relationships, because there are fewer negative realities to deal with. Virtual relationships are also emotionally gratifying, because people are able to deny real problems and disillusionment by focusing on the positive things that they like about the person or the fantasy.  Virtual relationships are therefore very tempting for people who are relationally immature, or have difficulty sustaining a real relationship, because virtual relationships are not subject to any of the problems associated with reality. It truly is Disneyland over and over again.

Ultimately, problems with virtual relationships arise when those involved either bring in real problems, like "I want more from you," or they hit the limit that non face to face relationships have. Relationships, at their deepest level, are also physical. By that I do not mean sexual, but face to face. The power of being in the physical presence of another person delivers real benefits. Physical means being physically present with another person, maintaining eye contact, body language, and face to face interaction. The physicality of a real relationship --  one that encompasses mind, body and soul -- ultimately makes it more fulfilling and powerfulthan any virtual relationship ever could be. Physical presence provides chemical, relational, psychological and physiological effects that virtual relationships cannot. Our brains change in the presence of another person and their behavior. Consequently, at some point, for a virtual relationship to become real, those involved must establish a physical relationship.  In T’eo’s case, that never came to be -- and the story ended like so many others do: in a vapor of fantasy." http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/01/17/notre-dame-linebacker-girlfriend-hoax-brings-virtual-vs-human-relationships-to/

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist, leadership consultant and author of the book "Boundaries for Leaders

Blessings,
Kristi

What Is Trauma?

December 30, 2012

I was reading an article by Hilary Catling, LMFT talking about "Treating Trauma In The Family" and I wanted to share it with others.  Today my husband received a phone call that his aunt had a heart attack and stroke and because she lives by herself she laid there for three days before anyone found her.  She is currently on life support while her sisters fly to see her.  As I spoke to my mother-in-law I could here the shock and denial as she shared the story.  I explained to her that what she was feeling was perfectly normal and that she needed her daughters to help her pack and collect the things she needed to fly back to see her sister because it was all overwhelming and confusing right now.

My mother-in-law has just experienced a traumatic event in her life and she is overwhelmed, in shock and denial.  This is a typical response when someone experiences a terrible event in their life.  Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.  While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.

The definition of trauma is an injury (wound) to living tissue caused by an outside agent.  A traumatic event can often feel like a wound,.  Sometimes it may even feel like someone or something has pierced your heart.

The best way to support someone who has just experienced a traumatic event is to believe their story and give them unconditional listening.  Sometimes they need to tell the story over and over again to make it real to them.

If someone experiences a traumatic event and does not process the emotions it can develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder where a person experiences nightmares and relives the trauma.

Please call me if you know someone who has experienced a traumatic event and needs helps.  I am here to listen and be there for them.  You can email me a kristi@counselingbykristi.com or my calling 949-200-6741.

Happy New Year!

Kristi Starkey

Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

October 9, 2012

I was reading out of Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling and on October 5th she writes about Joy and I wanted to share what she says.

"Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances.  Some of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem the most enviable.  People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them.  True Joy is a by-product of living in My Presence.  Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons...anywhere.

Do not judge a day a devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties.  Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me.  Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves.  Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them.  If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.

HABAKKUK 3:17-19; 1 CHRONICLES 16:27

Remember!!!

Blessings,

Kristi Starkey

Do You Have A Blended Family?

October 4, 2012

Being part of a Blended Family has it's challenges and I have experience both from being a step-daughter and being a step-mother.  When I was 20 years old my mom died of cancer and my dad remarried 1 year later to fill the void.  It did not take long for my step-mother to become jealous of my relationship with my father.  Navigating that situation was extremely confusing to me because I knew that my father's love for me was different than his love for his wife?

Fast forward 23 years later I married my husband who had a only son who is autistic.  When you first read this you may think, oh no that must be a challenge?  Well, actually you are wrong he truly is a blessing.  Now, that does not mean there are not times when it is frustrating.  Every so often I get the phrase "well my mom lets me?"  My response varies depending on the situation.  Other than those moments, he is a very loving young man who soaks in attention like a sponge.

It gets really sticky when couples divorce, remarry, and divorce again.  There was an interesting article in the New York Times that you might want to read that talks about how messy it can be.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangled-branches.html?_r=2&adxnnl=1&pagewanted=all&adxnnlx=1349361946-zOOxs6Z8WvgCqshINaNp5Q

If you, or someone you know is in a blended family and needs help navigating and understanding how to work together as a family unit, please have them call me, Kristi Starkey, to schedule an appointment.  Here is the link to my website www.counselingbykristi.com.

Blessings,

Kristi Starkey, MS, LMFT #52051

Career Change Journey Day #2

October 3, 2012

So yesterday I wrote a post about finding office space for rent in Mission Viejo, but could not quite wrap my  head around having a tree stump coffee table.  Well, after having breakfast with my Interior Designer AKA Best Friend, I found out that tree stump coffee tables are the new trend.  So I did a Google search and here is what I found!

List price for this puppy is $1,700!  So, maybe I need to reconsider, or at least call and see the office in person?  I think I need to ponder on it for a day or two.  I guess I wouldn't have to worry about ruining the finish?

In the meantime, refer your friends to Kristi Starkey and my website is www.counselingbykristi.com

Blessings,
Kristi

My Last Career Train Stop

October 2, 2012

On August 1, 2012 I passed my second exam and was awarded my Marriage and Family Therapy License. Although the anxiety and emotions were high, I was able to contain them long enough to focus on the goal to pass my test.  Now that I am licensed, I can plan my career as a Therapist.

So, what will my career look like?  Well, I know what i would like it to look like but what God plans may be different!  Currently I see clients in Costa Mesa but would also like to see clients in Mission Viejo, closer to my home.  So the journey begins...and where do I start?

First, I have been praying for God's direction as to what my next steps need to be.  My client load is light this week and what I realize is that not seeing as many clients has given me space to think and dream about my next steps.


Second, Finding a location in Mission Viejo that I can sublease from another therapist would be the best option.  Maybe start with one day and go from there.  So I thought, why not check Craigslist?  If I could find a my kitty Toby, who has a great personality, on Craigslist?  Why not office space for a therapist?

So I checked Craigslist Orange County and for $300/month Voila, I can sublease an office 2 days a week.  Perfect location. However, I'm not really into tree stump coffee tables!  

Well, at least I know there is a possibility that I might find something I like so i will keep trying!

Until then, please refer any friends or family to me either Costa Mesa/Newport/Huntington Beach area or the South County area because I am starting the journey.  http://www.counselingbykristi.com/

Blessings,

Kristi

The Final Stretch For My Marriage and Family Therapy License

May 14, 2012

In May of 2003 I decided that I wanted to make a career change by leaving the fashion industry and becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist.  I had only completed my Associate’s Degree so I had to complete my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology through the School for Professional Studies, and then my Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, both from Vanguard University. 

In May of 2009 I began to work towards my 3,000 towards licensure that I needed to sit for my exams.  I would see clients at Journey’s Counseling Ministry, as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, 10 hours and week and College Hospital, as a social worker, 4 days a month, all while working full-time at Vanguard University.  In November of 2011 I completed my 3,000 hours and am now studying to take my State Exams for my Marriage and Family Therapist License. 

To be in the final stretch of my journey is amazing.  I have worked for 9 years to attain my goal.  I am nervous about taking the two exams but know I am on the home stretch to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. 

I meet with prospective students regarding the School for Professional Studies all the time and tell them that it is never too late to go back to school.  You just have to decide that you want to make a change and focus on the goal to get it done. 

Blessings,

Kristi