What Is Trauma?

December 30, 2012

I was reading an article by Hilary Catling, LMFT talking about "Treating Trauma In The Family" and I wanted to share it with others.  Today my husband received a phone call that his aunt had a heart attack and stroke and because she lives by herself she laid there for three days before anyone found her.  She is currently on life support while her sisters fly to see her.  As I spoke to my mother-in-law I could here the shock and denial as she shared the story.  I explained to her that what she was feeling was perfectly normal and that she needed her daughters to help her pack and collect the things she needed to fly back to see her sister because it was all overwhelming and confusing right now.

My mother-in-law has just experienced a traumatic event in her life and she is overwhelmed, in shock and denial.  This is a typical response when someone experiences a terrible event in their life.  Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.  While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.

The definition of trauma is an injury (wound) to living tissue caused by an outside agent.  A traumatic event can often feel like a wound,.  Sometimes it may even feel like someone or something has pierced your heart.

The best way to support someone who has just experienced a traumatic event is to believe their story and give them unconditional listening.  Sometimes they need to tell the story over and over again to make it real to them.

If someone experiences a traumatic event and does not process the emotions it can develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder where a person experiences nightmares and relives the trauma.

Please call me if you know someone who has experienced a traumatic event and needs helps.  I am here to listen and be there for them.  You can email me a kristi@counselingbykristi.com or my calling 949-200-6741.

Happy New Year!

Kristi Starkey

Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

October 9, 2012

I was reading out of Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling and on October 5th she writes about Joy and I wanted to share what she says.

"Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances.  Some of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem the most enviable.  People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them.  True Joy is a by-product of living in My Presence.  Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons...anywhere.

Do not judge a day a devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties.  Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me.  Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves.  Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them.  If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.

HABAKKUK 3:17-19; 1 CHRONICLES 16:27

Remember!!!

Blessings,

Kristi Starkey

Do You Have A Blended Family?

October 4, 2012

Being part of a Blended Family has it's challenges and I have experience both from being a step-daughter and being a step-mother.  When I was 20 years old my mom died of cancer and my dad remarried 1 year later to fill the void.  It did not take long for my step-mother to become jealous of my relationship with my father.  Navigating that situation was extremely confusing to me because I knew that my father's love for me was different than his love for his wife?

Fast forward 23 years later I married my husband who had a only son who is autistic.  When you first read this you may think, oh no that must be a challenge?  Well, actually you are wrong he truly is a blessing.  Now, that does not mean there are not times when it is frustrating.  Every so often I get the phrase "well my mom lets me?"  My response varies depending on the situation.  Other than those moments, he is a very loving young man who soaks in attention like a sponge.

It gets really sticky when couples divorce, remarry, and divorce again.  There was an interesting article in the New York Times that you might want to read that talks about how messy it can be.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangled-branches.html?_r=2&adxnnl=1&pagewanted=all&adxnnlx=1349361946-zOOxs6Z8WvgCqshINaNp5Q

If you, or someone you know is in a blended family and needs help navigating and understanding how to work together as a family unit, please have them call me, Kristi Starkey, to schedule an appointment.  Here is the link to my website www.counselingbykristi.com.

Blessings,

Kristi Starkey, MS, LMFT #52051

Career Change Journey Day #2

October 3, 2012

So yesterday I wrote a post about finding office space for rent in Mission Viejo, but could not quite wrap my  head around having a tree stump coffee table.  Well, after having breakfast with my Interior Designer AKA Best Friend, I found out that tree stump coffee tables are the new trend.  So I did a Google search and here is what I found!

List price for this puppy is $1,700!  So, maybe I need to reconsider, or at least call and see the office in person?  I think I need to ponder on it for a day or two.  I guess I wouldn't have to worry about ruining the finish?

In the meantime, refer your friends to Kristi Starkey and my website is www.counselingbykristi.com

Blessings,
Kristi

My Last Career Train Stop

October 2, 2012

On August 1, 2012 I passed my second exam and was awarded my Marriage and Family Therapy License. Although the anxiety and emotions were high, I was able to contain them long enough to focus on the goal to pass my test.  Now that I am licensed, I can plan my career as a Therapist.

So, what will my career look like?  Well, I know what i would like it to look like but what God plans may be different!  Currently I see clients in Costa Mesa but would also like to see clients in Mission Viejo, closer to my home.  So the journey begins...and where do I start?

First, I have been praying for God's direction as to what my next steps need to be.  My client load is light this week and what I realize is that not seeing as many clients has given me space to think and dream about my next steps.


Second, Finding a location in Mission Viejo that I can sublease from another therapist would be the best option.  Maybe start with one day and go from there.  So I thought, why not check Craigslist?  If I could find a my kitty Toby, who has a great personality, on Craigslist?  Why not office space for a therapist?

So I checked Craigslist Orange County and for $300/month Voila, I can sublease an office 2 days a week.  Perfect location. However, I'm not really into tree stump coffee tables!  

Well, at least I know there is a possibility that I might find something I like so i will keep trying!

Until then, please refer any friends or family to me either Costa Mesa/Newport/Huntington Beach area or the South County area because I am starting the journey.  http://www.counselingbykristi.com/

Blessings,

Kristi

The Final Stretch For My Marriage and Family Therapy License

May 14, 2012

In May of 2003 I decided that I wanted to make a career change by leaving the fashion industry and becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist.  I had only completed my Associate’s Degree so I had to complete my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology through the School for Professional Studies, and then my Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, both from Vanguard University. 

In May of 2009 I began to work towards my 3,000 towards licensure that I needed to sit for my exams.  I would see clients at Journey’s Counseling Ministry, as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, 10 hours and week and College Hospital, as a social worker, 4 days a month, all while working full-time at Vanguard University.  In November of 2011 I completed my 3,000 hours and am now studying to take my State Exams for my Marriage and Family Therapist License. 

To be in the final stretch of my journey is amazing.  I have worked for 9 years to attain my goal.  I am nervous about taking the two exams but know I am on the home stretch to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. 

I meet with prospective students regarding the School for Professional Studies all the time and tell them that it is never too late to go back to school.  You just have to decide that you want to make a change and focus on the goal to get it done. 

Blessings,

Kristi   

Studying For My MFT Exam

April 21, 2012


As I await for my 3,000 hours to be approved by the Board of Behavioral Sciences, I have begun to study for my written exam.  The exam is 200 questions and you must complete the exam within a four hour time frame.  I have learned that the most effective way for me to retain information is auditory, with 100% of my attention focused on listening and learning.  So, I signed up for classes with Gerry Grossman Seminars.


Saturday was my first class and I was a bit nervous because I had invested a lot of money into the classes and was hopeful that I would have a strong facilitator.  I walked into the classroom and was greeted by "Hi Kristi" from a coworker at Journeys Counseling Ministry.  What a nice surprise!  Then, the facilitator Kristen Hudson, MA, MFT introduced herself and started teaching.  I knew this was a good investment and I was going to learn alot.


We began to review the DSM IV TR.  Kristen shared with us what was highly probable on the exam and had us skim over what was low probability of being on the exam.  She gave us acronyms to memorize for studying, and advice on what to look for in each question.  Kristen gave great ideas of  how to differentiate between diagnoses and how to rule out options given in each answer.  I felt the information was very valuable and is given me structure to study for my exam, a chunk at a time.  


So, here I go to cram for my exam!   

Wish Me Luck,
Kristi

Angels Give Down Syndrome Man A Chance

April 18, 2012

This is a wonderful story that ran in the OC Register about how the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim hired a young man with Down Syndrome, to be the greeter at their team store.  Trevor is an avid Angel's fan and knows all the players and stats! 

When we have my stepson, who is autistic, I am always amazed at how much love and joy he has in his heart, and how contagious that love and joy becomes.  On Friday night we are taking my stepson to an Angel game and we are going to stop by the team store to meet Trevor Hendershot.  I'm pretty certain that his love for the Angel's is contagious and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he has a whole lot of love and joy to go along with it.


Blessings,
Kristi

Autism on the Seas

April 13, 2012

This post is for families who have young adults with special needs.  My stepson is 23 and autistic.  Although he is high-functioning, he is still unable to live on his own.  We have him every weekend and he is so happy, loves to share Jesus with everyone he meets and very social.  

Six years ago we took my stepson on a seven day cruise to Mexico.  He loved it! We would go up to the midnight buffet for a snack, or his dad would bring a snack to the room and share it with us.  We went horseback riding, watched cliff divers, experienced live entertainment, and much more.

Today I learned that several cruise lines offer cruises for adults and kids with special needs.  There is a website http://www.alumnicruises.org/Autism/Autism_Home.htm where you can search for cruises where staff members will tend to your child/young adult/or adult with special needs.  Amazing!  They also have a Facebook Page http://www.facebook.com/autismontheseas  

So... if you know of someone with a child with autism or special needs they may want to check out this website.

Blessings,

Kristi

 

In the Raw: Seven Misconceptions About Therapy by JENNINE ESTES, MFT

April 10, 2012

by JENNINE ESTES, MFT 

In my counseling office, I work with people from all different walks of life. Each person has a unique step, story, and understanding of the world.

My job as a counselor is to tune into each specific client’s need and focus in on the goal at hand.

One speed bump I often run into while I going down the journey with my clients is that they tend to have a incorrect beliefs about how therapy is supposed to turn out.

Some people are right on. They know it will be hard work and that counseling will take some time, but others have different expectations (or as I like to call them … misconceptions) about the counseling process.

Here are some of the more common misconceptions people have about (individual and couples) counseling:

1. Assuming one size fits all: Unlike certain clothing items that are "one size fits all," therapy is not! Picking the therapist that is right for you is very important, and no decision should be made in haste. One size does not fit all. With therapy you have to shop and research. Do you homework and interview them. You will know when it’s right after you have done your part. You need to know the therapist’s "school of thought" (or theory), your comfort level with the counselor, and their approach. Learn more on how to find a counselor here.

2. Asking your therapist to lie for you: Really …? Don’t ask the therapist to lie for you to simply prevent a fight between you and your partner. You are basically attempting to keep your relationship dynamic stuck and it can actually perpetuate the problem. Don’t try to get the counselor to lie that you tried to schedule the appointment earlier and it was the therapists fault to simply save a little heartache and conflict. If you are afraid of fighting, then stop lying!

3. Expecting the therapist to take a side: Not gonna happen. No matter how much you feel like your side is right (even when it most likely it is) my job as a therapist is not to take sides. Plain and simple. Plus, you probably have enough friends and family taking on that role. If I take sides, then I am simply jumping on board to a dynamic that isn’t working. Nothing will be accomplished and now the two of you have more ammo for your fight … such as, “The therapist agrees with me …” and the relationship stays stuck with no solution.

4. The therapist will make everything better: Nope! The therapist is in the room to help you understand the relationship on a deeper level, help you navigate through the struggles and create a safe environment. It is YOUR responsibility to work at the relationship. The therapist will do everything in his/her power to help you as a couple or individual, but if you aren’t willing to do the work … you will be wasting your time (and money).

5. Expecting the therapist to keep a secret: Secrets keep relationships apart and if it is a big secret, then to expect your therapist to keep set that information aside and try to work on your relationship (when they know exactly what issue needs to change) is unrealistic. If you are doing something that requires you to have it a “secret,” then open your eyes and take a peek at just that! On that same note, ask the counselor about their no-secrets policy. If you don’t want your partner to know something, don’t share it with your therapist.

6. Keeping important information from the therapist: If you don’t tell the therapist significant events, then the therapist doesn’t have the whole picture of the relationship. Don’t keep affairs, physical fights, or any other important events hidden. The more the therapist knows, the better.

7. The fights have slowed down, so we can stop early: Just because the fights have stopped for now or “things are getting better,” doesn’t mean to stop counseling. Many people stop prematurely and then things go back to the old way. Just because the fights have stopped, doesn’t mean you have a long-term change. If you think you hit the goals in therapy, speak with your therapist and make sure all the work is done.

Counseling isn’t something to take lightly. Your life is more important than money, time, or your ego. Don’t hold back and worry about the “what ifs.” Commit to it. Make this your start to a better you.

Good Friday

April 6, 2012


Today is Good Friday, my favorite day of the year!  For many years my girlfriend Carol and I would attend the Good Friday Service at Mariners Church where we would write on a 3X5 card our sins, forgiveness of others, and things we wanted to give up to God.  Then, we would get up, walk to the wooden cross, and nail them to the cross.  This was always very powerful experience and would be the beginning of good things to come.


This year, as I sat in the Good Friday Service at Saddleback Church, I could not help but think about my friend Carol.  She is 54 years old and was recently diagnosed with Advanced Dementia http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/dementias/dementia.htm.
I knew something was very wrong because she would repeat the same story over and over.  When she talks to you it is like words get stuck between her brain and coming out of her mouth.  Yet, she can talk about the past in complete sentences.


My girlfriend read the book Still Alice http://www.amazon.com/Still-Alice-Lisa-Genova/dp/0595440096 and told me that it really helped her to understand our friends illness but I have yet been able to pick up the book.  In time will read it but not now.


Today I my friend.  I know she is still alive but I miss her friendship and sharing our journey through life together.


Blessings and Happy Easter,
Kristi

Anger

April 2, 2012

Today I was reading an article by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) discussing the effects of anger on families.  The problem with anger is that it is infectious and can spread throughout an entire family and then be passed to the next generation.  If you, or someone in your family has an anger problem, you need to seek counseling immediately to stop the pattern.  To read more click here http://www.aamft.org/imis15/Content/Consumer_Updates/Effect_of_Anger_on_Families.aspx

The AAMFT has made a list of how to know if your loved one has an anger problem, which I have listed below:

1. Becoming more angry than is appropriate in regards to mild frustration or irritation.
2. Having feelings of guilt or regret over something that you have said or done in a fit of anger.
3. Repeated social conflict as a result of anger outbursts (lawsuits, fights, property damage, school suspensions, etc.) 
4. Family and or friends approach you with the concern that you need help managing your anger.
5. Having chronic physical symptoms such as high blood pressure, gastrointestinal difficulties, or anxiety.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you believe that you or someone you love has an anger problem by calling 949.200.6761 or by emailing kristi@counselingbykristi.com.

Regards,

Kristi Starkey

The 3 Interlocking Circles

March 20,2012


Today is the first day of spring and always the beginning of a season of change for me.  I have been attending The Life Coaching Experience led by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  http://www.cloudtownsend.com/workshops/life-coaching/.  In our last session John spoke on The 3 Interlocking Circles: Passion, Ability and Meaning.  The goal is to have all 3 to be successful in your job and in life.  John is writing a book titled "Sweet Spot" which is when you find all three in what you are doing.  John defined the 3 as:


Passion - your focused desire
By nature your passion in an intense emotion for what you do.  Passion can't be created it must be uncovered.  You must explore because passions is buried alive inside of you.  When you are passionate about something you lose track of time.  It feels like you have been focused 10 minutes on something when it can be 4 hours.


Meaning - bigger than you
You understand that you are not god and that you are being called by God.  You much search out the will of God to find meaning.


Skill - your ability
You have talents and gifts and through diligence and hard work you will be successful.


Since I am a baseball fan I know that home runs are hit off a bats "sweet spot"  What is your "Sweet Spot?"  


 

Blessings,
Kristi

Studying for my Marriage and Family Therapist License

March 13, 2012

...is no easy task.  I submitted my hours in November and it takes the Board of Behavioral Sciences up to 6 months to approve my 3,000 hours before I get approved to take the test.  So that being said, it could be mid May or June when I can take my test.  

I decided since I am 2 - 3 months out it is best that I start studying.  There are 6 categories covered in the 200 question test, so I started with Law and Ethics.  Since I purchased the test bank, I am able to take the test and have explanations for the correct and incorrect answers.  So, the first test I took I got 40% and panicked.  I'm thinking, well, I have a lot of studying ahead of me.

The good news is after one week, I am up in the high 70% and am familiarizing myself with the exam questions and what they are looking for.  

Wish me luck as I continue to study!

Blessings,

Kristi

Henry Cloud Changes That Heal.....

March 9, 2012

I wanted to share this post they are great questions to ask yourself.

Kristi

Henry Cloud

In my book "Changes That Heal," I talked about a developmental path that we all travel to get to maturity. It involves four steps:

1) The ability to get connected 2) The ability to have boundaries 3) The ability to put "good and bad" together 4) The ability to be an adult.

TIme for a little check up for you. Ask yourself the following questions in the four areas today:

1. How connected do I feel to some significant people in my life? If not, what can I do to increase my connection? Reach out? Join? Get more proactive? Or is it more overcoming internal fear or resistance? What is my next growth step?

2. How in control of my own life do I feel? Who does it feel is controlling me? Why am I not saying no? Where is my next growth step in creating a healthy limit with someone?

3. What idealized image am I suffering under, unable to accept the good and the bad? Is it with myself or with others? Or both? Where am I attacking myself for not being "good enough" and feel as if I am "all bad" for my mistakes or imperfections? Where am I doing that to someone else? What steps do I need to take towards acceptance of both the good and the bad and dealing with both?

4. How much of an equal adult do I feel like I am with others? Do I feel "one down" some or the time? Why? What do I need to do to express my adulthood? Or, am I assuming the parent role with some other adult and not requiring adulthood from them as well as trying to dominate them? Where do I need to let them be an equal?

Good questions to ask.....for more about this see "Changes That Heal."

Cheers,

Henry

My First Blog Post

March 8, 2012

So here I go into the blogging world.  I have been having many conversations about blogging and so decided I just need to "jump in" and start typing away.  To help me understand blogging a friend gave a book to read titled "Naked Conversations" by Robert Scoble/Shel Israel.  This books tells about how blogs are changing the way businesses talk with customers.  So...here I go to learn about blogging so that I can start to educate my followers about counseling and how it can be life changing.


Until next time,


Kristi